At school, in my social circle (okay, not everyone, but enough), in my grad classes...I feel like I am surrounded by round bellies and glowing women.
I am outrageously, ridiculously, selfishly jealous. Instead of being overwhelmingly happy for those around me who have discovered they are expecting, I become overwhelmingly sad that it is not me. Perhaps this makes me selfish, perhaps this makes me a bitch. C and I are not even trying right now and I am fully aware that this is the wrong time. I can tell him, "We can try now. We are getting a house soon enough." And he responds, "Are you kidding? And what if something happens and we do not get a house?? I am not putting a baby, a 12 year old and a part-time 10 year old into one room in a two bedroom apartment!" I get angry, even though I know he is right. I mean, who knows what the next few months have ahead of us? I know I am already a mom to J and A, but as much as I hate to admit it, I will always come in second to their real mother. I am just sad tonight.
3 comments:
Don't feel bad for 'coming in second'. Even though I have two "of my own", I know how you feel. It's the same with my stepchildren.
As far as it 'being the wrong time'.... for many many many many people, there will always be some obstacle. There are very few people who have the ability, know how, and LUCK to line up their lives correctly with "time" to have children. You may not physically be 'ready' what with the maybe house and all. But if it weren't that, it would be something else. Talk to your hubby in a nonconfrontational way about that. then maybe you guys can 'make a plan' so to speak with 'contingencies' (i.e. if you don't get the house, then how long will you wait to try?), back-ups, and most importantly (to you) when you will start trying and what factors that time frame will be based on.
we have four kids between us and at one time lived in a two bedroom apartment. i see where your hubby's coming from but it's not the end of the world. after the apartment, we moved to what can only be described as a two bedroom 'studio'. it was so tiny. but everyone survived. and now we have a big 5 bedroom home. every good thing comes in time. with kids, sometimes it's backwards. you have them and figure it all out as you go along in life.
don't be sad. talk to your hubby honestly and with love. hopefully, he'll be open to 'making a plan'. :)
I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. I can empathize with wanting your own baby and it not being the right time. I adopted my husband's three children after his wife suddenly passed, and we met and married. They all three call me mom and i'm the only mom in their lives, but I haven't had my own child. Plus, my husband had a vasectomy! We're talking about a reversal, but we can't afford it right now. I truly hope your husband will begin to hear and see your emotions and desires; as a woman, and his wife. The most important thing is to understand each other and know you have one another's support; regardless of the outcome. Trust that you're in this place and time in your life for a reason, and that God's timing is perfect.
Hi Gia, Saw your comment, it was the Buckeye Beer Engine in Lakewood where we got the burgers and beer!
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