Sometimes, I feel lost. And inadequate in every way. And jealous of those who have more than us. And frazzled. And crunched for time. Like there is never enough time to do it all and that I am incapable of being the kind of mother, wife and teacher I want to be.
Then, something tragic happens.
Two years ago, while 7 months pregnant with Logan, I had to deal with the death of a student. We thought it was suicide, but apparently he was participating in a "choking game" and died from this. An emergency staff meeting was called that morning to tell us all about it.
On Friday, we had another emergency staff meeting called.
A teacher, 35-years old, married to another Special Ed teacher, football and track coach, with a 4-year old daughter, had died. He had been battling cancer for a few years and it had come back in his bones last year. All summer he was fighting infections and was unable to receive any treatment. He was taken home from hospice with hospice care on Thursday afternoon so he would be comfortable for the remainder of his life.
That life ended around 11 PM on Thursday.
We had another emergency faculty meeting to make sure everyone knew. We shuffled out of the meeting, crying not only for the loss but also for the pain that his wife must be feeling and for his daughter, who will never really know her daddy. I had to look into the eyes of four of my 11th grade football players as our principal made the announcement to them that one of their coaches had passed. And I had to console one of those boys after class as he shed tears of sadness and anger.
Anger. Because in what world is this fair? He was a strong man. A college football player. Healthy. How does something life this happen?
When something like this happens, you can't help be reevaluate your life. Things have been tough around these parts recently and I have been pretty stressed out. But I am thankful. SO SO SO thankful to have my family. My husband. My girls. My baby boy. My parents and brothers and their significant others and my niece. My in-laws and friends. We have a roof over our head, steady jobs, and our health.
This has caused me to really think about my life. Am I living it to the fullest? Am I living it purposefully? Am I an involved and engaged parent? Am I making the most of my time on this world?
I want to be able to say yes to all of those things. I need to make some changes. Because I want to live every second on this earth as if it is my last. Because in the blink of an eye, the world tilts on its axis and everything changes.