It made me sad when I received the confirmation of our court date in the mail last year; for duration of hearing, it said 5 minutes. Five minutes and five years of marriage would be over. We had to only answer yes or no to a few questions...and that was it. We were the only couple without a lawyer. And admittedly, I sobbed after he walked away when it was all over. But, I picked myself up, with the friend of my oldest and dearest friend, and walked out...to the bar, naturally. Then the Social Security office to go back to my maiden name. I needed to do that immediately; I needed my identity back so I could begin the search for myself.
This year has revealed so much to me. The more I read about relationships, the more I realized how much C and I had failed one another. In a letter to me, he took the lion's share of the blame, but I am by no means blameless. I know where I went wrong. A few months ago, I was finally at the point where I was able to see a therapist and believed she could be of help to me. Not for depression or anything severe, but because she is able to provide an unbiased opinion about some things in my life. She has been a huge and wonderful person and I am not ashamed to admit that I look forward to that hour sometimes.
Even though I was devastated by my divorce, as cliche as it sounds, I have emerged from the last year as a much happier and stronger woman. My family and friends have been a huge support, and believe me, this year has shown who my true friends are. I now know who will be there by my side through thick and thin. And my parents...I don't know what I would have done without them. They opened their home to my son and me. I knew that being on my own would not have been the best decision right after the separation; it would have allowed me too much time to think. It would have been too quiet. Living with them has had its rough moments; with three adults and a crazy three-year old, one would expect that. My mom and I have butted heads on more than one occasion, but we always did when I was a young whipper snapper. Living with them has allowed me a bit more freedom than I would if I was living alone. If they are home in the evening during the week, they have often been okay with me putting the little guy to bed and going out with friends. Logan stayed in daycare again this summer for three days a week but I am not sure I will do that again next summer. I wanted to make sure I was able to have a bit of a break but I definitely missed the little dude. He is at such a fun age and I want to be sure we enjoy every minute we can. Living with Mom and Dad has also given me a bit of financial freedom. I was able to first, pay off my credit cards, and then buy a car, which was a total necessity. Now I am on track and saving for a house for my best little guy and myself. I am not in a hurry and the goal is to purchase the summer before he starts kindergarten. Where we will go is yet to be determined, but I continue to dream of a little house with a farmhouse sink and a big porch, with a big garden in the back.
This year has also taught me quite a bit about parenting. Logan and I know what works for us. He is a kind, loving, hilarious little boy with the best giggle I have ever heard. I struggled at first, because I had left so much of the discipline to C. I needed to get my legs under me, and I didn't have a choice but to do it quickly. I am much more confident in my parenting skills and really, I feel like I am doing a pretty damn good job.
Dating. Well, we won't talk about it. Lets just say Google has become my best friend and that the quality of men on dating sites isn't really that great. I am beginning to lose faith in humanity. However, I have learned what is important to me in a partner, and I am not willing to settle on anything less than I deserve.
Happy Independence Day to me.
